In case you haven’t heard, there is a campaign currently catching fire that is encouraging women and girls--people everywhere basically—to strike the word bossy from their language. Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg's non-profit Lean In and Girl Scouts of America are taking the lead with this campaign. And of course it is complete with celebrity endorsements. Beyonce is in on it.
Complete with a website and all.
One of the main draws of the #BanBossy movement is the statistics that state girls are less prone to speak up than boys by the time they reach middle school. In fact the entire movement is based upon the reception of girls and stigmas that are attached them if they speak up or speak out. And thus my problems begin. I list them for you below:
1). Bossy is a real thing.
First, let's define the word bossy. Bossy: given to ordering people about; overly authoritative; domineering.
There are some actions that are blatantly controlling and constitute as bossy behavior. When my 6 year old tells her brother “why are you doing that?” followed by firm incessant no’s and don’t do that followed by directions on what to play and how to play–this is bossy! I repeatedly have coached my daughter in the difference in being bossy and controlling versus being a leader and persuasive. And I will continue to do so until she uses a tone of respect and words that illicit helpfulness and actions that allow others to figure things out on their own terms. Leaders lead from inspiration. My daughter is assertive and aggressive. Two characteristics I give to her with no qualms or shrinkage. In fact, these are attributes I wish I readily obtained as a young girl. Just the opposite, my nature was shy and introverted. It wasn’t until I became a young adult that I had to learn to be assertive and aggressive—not bossy.
2). Use words correctly.
In terms of the person who supervises me at my place of employment; she is my supervisor. Not my boss. She does not order me around. I do not refer to her as my boss. In that connotation, I find it to be offensive. It's not the appropriate word to use. Neither is using the words bossy and assertive simultaneous. Assertiveness begets confidence; bossiness begets control. They are not one in the same.
3). Don’t be choosy with your words.
It is ironic to me that Beyonce is involved here. Really?? She uses the term boss and/or bossy in many of her lyrics. Why now is she determining that such a word is no longer applicable? Further, pop culture has embraced the word bossy to mean mastery of a certain skill or craft. (i.e., boss chef). Let’s also not forget the never old Kelis song, Bossy.
4) Isn’t the idea of banning a word kind of…well…bossy?
Words are freeing. Instead of banning a word from our vocabulary, we need to teach our children the correct ways in which to communicate with each other. Putting the clamps on a singular word is a form of control--all in the spirit of non-control.
So I'll keep telling my children to stop their bossy ways of ordering others around, telling people when to come and how to go. Because such behavior is not an acceptable form of communication in our home, within family and friends and in our community. But in the idea of proper balance and respect I will tell them to speak up and stand out when you have been wronged, are uncomfortable with a touch or certain language. I will not reinforce domineering or controlling behavior but will tell them to watch their words. I will explicit tell them about one's right to speak and won't forget about to teach them about the right to respond. I will further explain that the latter point flows in both directions of communication.
Further, these attributes will be shared with my sons and daughters, nieces and nephews--all young girls and young boys alike. The symmetry of all expectations of behavior and communication should be the same for both genders. Don't single out the perception of girls without raising the standard for how we teach our boys.
Lastly, I will continue to teach my children self control of their actions efforts words and deeds -- all without clamping down others with control.
Let's call bossiness what it is--but let's teach our children the opposite.
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