Baby Fever: When You Don't Want To Wait

My husband and I have been married for just over 8 months. We married and had an instant family--my daughter and his daughter and son. I remember getting a text from a friend when we came back from our honeymoon that said, "Did ya'll make a baby while you were gone? lol." I responded with some quick text saying how we had enough to last us awhile and there wouldn't be any additions anytime soon. 

Prior to us getting married, we decided we'd wait at least a year before we had another child. We'd wanted a bigger place that we would purchase (we are currently renting), more financial stable and emotionally ready to intentionally bring our children another sibling. Simply put, we wanted to be ready. Or, as ready as we could be. 

But about six weeks ago, I started to get that itch. Playing around with the idea of having a baby. Not now, but right now. I started seriously asking my husband if he wanted to have another baby but then laughing along with him when he asked if I was serious. Further, I found myself genuinely excited by the fact that my period was 6 days late. Then, was genuinely sad once it came (I confess, I cried real tears). I had planned a summer baby shower in my dreams and even began to write down names. Oh, it was bad. 

When I started a new job in the beginning of January and met a co-worker who was expecting in a few weeks, I excitedly told my husband about how cute she was when I got home that evening. Now, my response changed when people asked me if I had anything "cooking in there."

"I wish. Keith says not right now."

or

"I'm tryin'!"

My anxiousness was so great that I began researching midwives, birthing centers, home births, water births, pregnancy yoga and all things that equaled organic + childbirth. I had announced to my husband that I had "found our midwife," to which he chuckled and said "baby, we're not having a baby right now."

It wasn't until a few weeks ago that my husband and I had a real discussion about having a child that I reigned my emotions back in and had a talk with reality. The reality is we're not ready. Financially or mentally. And we all know how much each weighs on the other. Having a baby right now would put me in a similar state of panic that I was in 2008 when I was living in Atlanta preparing to be a single mother, 900 miles away from family, on rocky roads with my roommate/best friend and no real vision of what the next few months of my life looked like. Sure, there are many other factors that would change now that I'm in a stable marriage with security on many fronts. I was living under the adage that anytime was the right time simply because I was married. But I realized that being married is not an excuse to have a child in the same way having a child is not a reason to get married (the latter is a post for another day).

Having a baby changes everything. Whether its the first or the fourth, there is a life that you are responsible for you coming into the world. Tread lightly. 

After the conversation with me and my husband, I realized having a child prematurely, or, prior to when we planned, would greatly hamper the quality of life for that child and the children we already have. My temporary emotion doesn't disintegrate that fact. Truth is a hard medicine to digest. It goes down painfully but delivers great healing benefits. Sometimes those benefits or instantaneous--other times, it takes awhile to reap its rewards. The truth medicine of my baby fever is both. Being content in the now. But also patiently and diligently preparing for your future reality. There's peace in both arenas. And I'm content with that.

....But if you see me, there might be baby ramblings coming from my mouth. :-)