Patterned Living: New Year, Old Habits

A little over a year ago, on December 24, 2012, I disclosed to my parents I had been molested when I was a young girl. 20 years I had lived a life of suppression. There were times my mother asked me if I had been molested to which I'd quickly refute and dismiss a question as ridiculous and far-fetched. One of my resolutions of 2012 was to uncover this truth to my family. It had already surfaced during a session in pre-marital counseling with my now husband. After a close friend disclosed to me her daughter had recently went through a similar situation, I knew my moment of awakening was drawing near. I found courage in my friends daughter who was just 5 but who was bold enough to speak up. The morning of Christmas Eve, I promised myself I I wouldn't carry this burden another day. I talked myself out of it many times that day. Clammy hands and a racing heartbeat, I stood up for that little girl who was compromised when she was 9.

The next day, I felt lighter--literally. In times of stress I used to get a tight knot in my shoulder. "You carry tension in your shoulders," the masseuse would say to me after undergoing a massage that left my body painfully sore days after. I have not had that shoulder pain since that day. I no longer felt heavy. Pain and guilt had left my body and I was experiencing what it was like to breathe for the first time. I will never forget what a friend told me very shortly after that day. "It's like, you never know how bound you were until you get loose!" Even my husband commented on how my overall demeanor and countenance had changed overnight. The little girl was rejoicing. I was feeling free.

Because of that moment, I was confident 2013 would be different for me. And in many ways it was. I got married to the most amazing man, worked towards blending a family, lost a job, became a stay at home mom, then got a new job. But in times of conflict I cringed, shuttered and shut down. Moments between my husband and I that required clear communication--I was absent for. Sharing my thoughts, speaking up was foreign to me. I'd practiced the art of suppression for 20 years--how could I reverse such a vice immediately? I realized I was still compromising myself through my molestation. Now the adult me was being mismanaged. I was playing small. Not on purpose but out of habit. 

It's important to understand that when we get to the root of the problem, there can be residual elements left behind that can drag you back. There was a reason I did not speak up all those years. I did not feel safe. I was confused about what happened to me. I blamed myself--thinking I had done something deserving of such hurt. I blamed my parents who did not teach me how to respond when someone compromised my body. All of those elements continued to trigger something subconsciously when faced with a conversation, conflict or insecurity that required me to exert my voice. 

In this new year, I challenge everyone to go deeper. If you make resolutions, don't just resolve to work out; resolve to be consistent and committed. Don't resolve to get into less arguments; resolve to handle your thoughts, words and emotions better. Don't just resolve to lose weight; resolve to make better choices about food and exercise. Change takes time. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Don't get to the heart of the problem, get to the root. Once you know the root cause, clean off the dirt.

As for me and my new found voice, I'm getting better. Fortunately, I married a man who is bold and confident and I have a good role-model in that respect. However, he does not require the same things for me that he does for himself. He gives me space and room to grow, while being my soft place and comfort zone--two things the girl and woman need. My daughter's middle name is Monet (MO-NAY), a French name meaning "to be heard." This was absolutely intentional. I also understand it is not enough to give her a name with a certain meaning. I have to model the behaviors I desire for her. The best way to teach her is to show her. Yep, show and prove. Old habits die hard. But I have the power to create a new pattern.

Happy New Year everyone! What new patterns do you hope to start in 2014?