Giving Our Children Room

Leave it up to my daughter to teach me a hard lesson, softly.

Thursday evening I informed my daughter that tomorrow was "wash day," the day I wash, condition and style her hair. She gave no objections and replied with a simple "ok, mom." I asked her if she knew how she wanted her hair styled. She began this elaborate explanation that included bangs, twists into a puff, braids and, "oh yea, beads at the end." I asked her a series of question to attempt to decipher what all of the above actually meant. She continued to insist on "beads, mom, beads." I cringed at her repeated requests. 

"How about we do something else?"

"Awwwwww," Trinity said in that infamous but not so pleasant objecting whine that I'm certain all kids are privy to. "You always ask me what I want but you do something different."

She had me. Trinity had pulled my card, waved it in front of my face and then replayed the tape to prove it. She was right. I did that! I asked her every two weeks how she wanted her hair styled but always ended up styling it to my liking, tolerance and skill level. This immediately took me back to my childhood in conversations with my father and us kids. It went EXACTLY like this.

My Dad: Hey what do you guys want for dinner tonight?
Me: Um, I want Wendy's.
Brother: I don't like Wendy's. I want McDonald's.
My Dad: I'm not going to Wendy's or McDonald's. I'm getting a pizza. You'll just eat that!

Um, Dad...why not just ask what kind of pizza we wanted. He already knew going into the conversation what he wanted to eat...why lead us on? lol.

I realized I was also leading Trinity on. I was asking her opinion about her hair, then doing what I wanted with it. Yikes! Now, to some people, even to some mothers, this may not be a big deal. And perhaps an isolated incident may not be. But Trinity let me know I was clearly starting a pattern she did not appreciate. 

My daughter and I are opposites in many ways. She asks for beads probably once a month but hasn't worn them in over a year. I realized I was perpetuating my style on her. I didn't like braids as a girl so I didn't want her to wear them. When she chooses her clothing, I cringe and insists that it "doesn't match" and asks her to go find something else. Again, I am perpetuating my style on her. 

I am a strong proponent that as parents, we should guide our children in living up to their truest potential. I am a firm believer that my daughter is really not my own, she's a child of God. I am to be a steward over God's creation, a teacher who leads her in actions, efforts and deeds--not in misleading questions. I should give her room to grow, choose, succeed, fail and ultimately, bloom. There are very few indulgences 5 year olds receive in this stage in their life--why not hair and clothes? Is she really hurting anyone if her striped leggings don't match her shirt? Nope, nothing but my ego. And the ego must die in order for one to live. 

So beads it was for her! And she was so happy--especially when I commented to people that she chose the hairstyle. It gave her confidence and made her feel good about her choice. And no more putting my hears on her. I'll give her room to grow.