The Ugliness of Abuse

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It always takes me back to a time during my college days where I was involved with a young man who was emotionally abusive. We started out innocently as most young lovers do. We were excited and anxious and I spent every waking hour outside of classes as an undergrad lovingly hovered in his presence. He was not a part of the collegiate life; he was a year older and worked full-time in addition to co-parenting his young son with a girl he dated in high school. My homework was done at his apartment and I


Soon it became just me and him all day, everyday. I found myself just lingering around him when he insisted his mother for hours at a time. His Friday nights became my Friday nights; and vice versa. Soon, my weekends turned into our weekends. My friends were like passerbys, going to parties and campus functions without me. I turned down invitations so often that they eventually stopped. I became envious of the fun they had without me and convinced myself they might be jealous of me and my new found "love."

Me and my boyfriends conversations grew tense and unbalanced. He began to be offended by small comments I made, brushing off my opinions and taste as "stupid" and "trivial." He became enraged when I made a choice independently of him. One particular time he raised his hand to me in anger when I wouldn't stick around while he cut his mothers lawn. Before this incident I felt sorry for him. I had attempted to work through his angered past which included unresolved issues with an absentee father and channeling his anger. But once the threat of physical force was eluded to, I became disgusted with him and embarrassed for myself. Disgusted because he was too prideful to control his weakness; he even convinced himself such control was a strength! And embarrassed for myself that I had allowed another human being to control, alter and dictate my comings and goings to the point that I did not recognize my dress, demeanor or behaviors.

Our official breakup came some weeks later. We had plans to visit his brother. His car had broken down and he had no transportation to get there. I had been telling him for days that I was too swamped with homework to go with him but he insisted and I relented. Once that Sunday came around, I was again convinced that my homework was more important than socializing at that point. When he called and I informed him I wouldn't be coming to pick him up, his response was:

"If you don't come over, we're breaking up."

How childish! It was my way out!

"Great!" I had said and hung up the phone.

Once that moment of revelation came to me, I couldn't be stopped! I had found my voice! He threatened to kill himself if I didn't take him back. I calmly told him that was a foolish choice I would have no part of. When he called my on-campus apartment saying he was outside in the parking lot or that he saw me walking across campus, security was alerted to his stalking tendencies. He even voluntarily started seeing someone for anger management, something he promised to continue for an extended period of time if I would take him back. I gave him kudos for such a mature decision but explicitly replied that I would not be around for that extended period. I returned every article of clothing, every gift he'd given me and the television and speakers he had let me borrow. It was waiting for him outside my apartment door one evening after an enraged request.

"That's fine girl. You don't need his stuff!" One of my roommates stroked my confidence that had been beaten to the ground.

And she was right. Love is hard enough without the emotional and verbal insults. Sacrifices of time, money, comfort and peace are a stretch and are not further welcomed when there is a bully in your ear telling you something about you is not good enough. The cowardice of an abuser is that he cannot control his own emotions so he seeks to control the emotions of another. Unfortunately the abused may comply because of their motive to stay. Perhaps the motivation is love, children, money. Mine was pity. I felt compassion towards him and his problems. I thought by staying with him, I could help work through it. I thought I could be his change agent and that we move on and be happy. And it costs me emotionally in a way I didn't recover from until years later. The motivation to please another should never outweigh the respect and dignity you have for yourself.

This message of abuse is the same regardless of race, religion, sex and gender. It is rooted in fear and disrespect. Love is beautifully complicated. When two people merge their lives, it makes a collective masterpiece--not an individualistic dictatorship. The signs were there. I was too caught up in my own butterflies to see them. I was blind to them. Love  Lust is crazy like that; it blinds you to the obvious. Further, I didn't know that domestic abuse is rooted in emotional abuse. There was never a blow to my body, but my spirit and mind were weakened. Over time, I started to believe the belittling things he said. And if the mind is weak, it cannot tell the heart to leave.

If your significant other is isolating you from family and friends, threatening to harm themselves should you end the relationship, uses physical force to dominate you or threatens you, your children or family, you may be being abused. For help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline @ 1.800.799.7233. Pleas also visit www.loveisrespect.org or www.ncadv.org. Those local to the Columbus, OH area can visit CHOICES.

"Our lives are a sum total of the choices we make." - Wayne Dyer

Choose wisely friends and don't settle!

WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE